When it rains, it pours....

I finally took the time to go to Central Office and sign up to be a sub. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal, just a TON of paper work. But, I had already done majority of it when I signed up to teach community education classes. Well, of course my hands were very shaky that day and I had to get my finger prints taken. The lady doing my finger prints definitely noticed my shaky hands, but I just laughed it off. She then asked if I was nervous or cold. I'm pretty sure she was thinking I was worried/nervous that something would show up on my record when they ran my finger prints.


I had gotten over that situation, and was more conscience of my hands while I completed the rest of my paper work. Then, I got to the worker's compensation pages. The first page was fine, but then I got to the page where it asked about medical history I began getting nervous. It listed several diseases and conditions of course multiple sclerosis on the list so I had to check it. It was like I have been keeping this "secret" so that it wouldn't prevent me from getting a job, but I had to disclose it now. I know it shouldn't effect my chances of getting a job, but I feel like once people are aware of the disease I have to prove myself. 


I have been trying so hard since I started feeling bad and in pain to not use my health as a crutch. I've always tried to make sure that in school/work I put in 110% so people didn't think I was making it worse than it was or that I was just being lazy. Then, last summer when I finally got the diagnosis it came right before I was going to start student teaching. I struggled for a while trying to decide if I should tell my mentor and adviser. In the end I did, but it was the same situation. I felt that I had to go above and beyond so no one thought I was using multiple sclerosis as an excuse to do less work or put in less effort. 


I also feel that by putting in so much effort, people don't notice that somethings wrong. I tried every day to just grin and bear it once I leave the house. It has become a coping mechanism that helps me deal, I don't let people see how bad the pain or other symptoms are. But, when people can look at me and seen that something is wrong, I get frustrated because that's something I can only do so much to hide. When I'm out with friends, no one knows I have MS, because it's an invisible disease that only those closest to me know about. When people can look at me and see something is wrong, I feel like it's no longer in my control over who knows and who doesn't (probably the only thing I can actually control right now.)


Right now there are so many things are out of my control. I don't have control over my symptoms, I can only handle how I deal with these symptoms. I basically have to wake up every day wondering what symptoms I will experience. It's like every morning I wake up and going through a mental check list to see if I can feel all my arms, feet, legs, and anything else. Anytime my arms or legs "fall asleep" in the back of my mind I am thinking about how long it will last, minutes, hours, or days.